Ten Protestant things no Catholic should ever say (and vice versa)

Discussion in 'Politics & Religion' started by Sarah, Aug 4, 2017.

  1. Sarah

    Sarah Super Moderator Staff Member Original Member Since 1998

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    1. The Mainland”: When referring to England, Scotland and Wales. The only Catholics who refer to The Mainland live on Rathlin, or on a boat.
    2. “Fiddlesticks, I’ve forgotten my hat.”: Proper Protestants are notoriously crap at swearing, preferring to make up words like ‘Jumping Jehosaphat’ and ‘Sugarpuffs’ instead. This is bollocks, or balderdash if you’re a Protestant.
    3. “Our wee country”: You mean Occupied Six Counties surely.
    4. “Roman Catholic”: Only Protestants say this, as they say the word Catholic means all the churches. Catholics must insist that they are the only Catholics, as they know that the correct word for everyone else is a heretic.
    5. “I don’t like that new vicar, I think I’ll start going to the Presbyterians instead.”: Protestants are never done changing churches when they fall out with a clergyman or decide they don’t like some new rule. Catholics don’t have that option, even if the new Priest goes on and on about how much better his county is at Hurling.
    6. “The Queen”: You can only refer to “The Queen of England”, you can’t imply she’s Queen of here.
    7. “Fancy going for a wee drive and a poke this Sunday, darling?”: Protestants love ‘going for Sunday drives’, usually in search of ice-cream. However, according to rules set out in the Second Vatican Council, Catholics can only spend Sundays in the pub or at GAA matches – after Mass obviously.
    8. “There’s nothing I like better than a big sausage supper after work on a Friday.”: Fish suppers only on a Friday, to do otherwise is to risk eternal damnation and/or funny looks in the street.
    9. “Where’s the Twelfth this year?”: It’s at your caravan in Donegal, unless you live near a contentious route in which case you need to stay home to be offended.
    10. “Could you pick me up a Newsletter? I want to see who’s dead.”: Catholics can only buy The Irish News so if anyone’s dead they’ll be in there. The only exception is on a Saturday if you want to check the price of fat yos in The Farming Life section
    This does apply only to Northern Irish funny ways @Alexis :) :D

    And vice versa - ten Catholic things that no Protestant should ever say:

    So it seems the Orange Order has advised Protestants to avoid saying Rest in Peace on the grounds that it’s a Catholic thing and not Biblical.

    That got us to thinking what other things Catholics come out with that should be banned for Prods. Here’s 10 we came up with.

    1. “Jesus, Mary and Joseph”: A traditional Catholic expression of surprise, often followed by “would ye look at the arse on that?”.
    2. “Anyone up for a big game of Gaelic Football after Mass?”: Protestants should never say this. They should say “Anyone up for a big old game of proper football the day before that new pastor preaches in the gospel hall?”
    3. “The crisps in Dublin are far nicer than the ones at home”: Mr Free State Tayto is an immoral charlatan sent by Satan to draw children to his evil ways.
    4. “North of Ireland”: Protestants must only say Northern Ireland, which is different from the North of Ireland. They can also say Ulster, which is different from Northern Ireland but is the same as the North of Ireland. They definitely can’t say Occupied Six Counties.
    5. “Who fancies a pint this Sunday afternoon while we all watch some sort of sport?”: This is wrong on so many levels.
    6. “Derry”: Goes without saying so don’t say it, at least not in front of themuns.
    7. “I’m just heading out for a Sunday walk without my hat”: Going out for a walk on a Sunday is fine, but ladies must wear hats AT ALL TIMES.
    8. “Tea Cake”: Tea cakes and other such individually baked confectioneries are fundamentally unbiblical. Protestants should only eat tray-bakes, as these are in Matthew, Chapter 5, v 6, when our Lord fed 5000 people with a rake of Caramel Squares.
    9. “Holy Mary Mother of God would you ever turn that music down ye wee shite?”: This was once a common Catholic phrase used when speaking to teenage children. Increasingly it has been replaced with “Holy Mary and all the angels do you ever take those f**king earphones out?”
    10. “Haitch from Steps”: It’s Aitch, although to be honest we asked him once on Twitter and he never replied one way or the other.
     
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  2. Alexis

    Alexis Soap Chat Winner

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    It's funny because it's true...

    Although I don't say "Haitch" but that's probably some instinctive survival tactic.
     
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2017
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  3. Sarah

    Sarah Super Moderator Staff Member Original Member Since 1998

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    SO TRUE!
     
  4. Sarah

    Sarah Super Moderator Staff Member Original Member Since 1998

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    Apparently this thread has caused some offence and it wasn't my intention at all. It was taken from a light hearted news segment on line.

    Let me make it clear. I'm from Northern Ireland and would never post anything online that showed my country in a bad light -unless it was justified (such as the DUP keeping us tied in the past - true statement. Only country west of Switzerland where gay marriage is banned - ridiculous).

    Northern Ireland has enough problems without any more nonsense. I hardly think the threads I posted above qualify as 'sectarian' given that they were poking light hearted 'banter' at both sides of the community. Perhaps anyone who thought otherwise would like to point out how they qualify as 'sectarian'. I actually despair sometimes.

    But if after everything Northern Ireland has been through we can't poke a tiny bit of fun at ourselves and our ways, that's so sad.

    If you have a problem with my posts, feel free to put me on ignore, or send me a message and let me know. Better to talk about it in person, rather than report everything that you don't agree with.

    And just as a side note, it might be good to examine what you post about other people being 'cretins' before you start reporting posts that don't agree with your particular views - that is somewhat hypocritical.
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2017
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  5. Willie Oleson

    Willie Oleson drilling for soap

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    I like that:D

    And why is everyone in Ireland talking about their hats? Is it still the 1960s over there?[/laughing at crazy foreigners]
     
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  6. Alexis

    Alexis Soap Chat Winner

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    I don't know what you mean?
    upload_2017-8-9_23-36-20.png upload_2017-8-9_23-36-37.png upload_2017-8-9_23-36-55.png upload_2017-8-9_23-37-14.png upload_2017-8-9_23-37-49.png
     
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  7. Willie Oleson

    Willie Oleson drilling for soap

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    That pink one with the feathers is so hilarious!
     
  8. Sarah

    Sarah Super Moderator Staff Member Original Member Since 1998

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    That's one sectarian looking hat!!!
     
  9. Emelee

    Emelee Soap Chat Dream Maker

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    Those lists only apply to Brits, right? I feel like a complete alien reading them. :confused:
     
  10. Alexis

    Alexis Soap Chat Winner

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    Not even to Brits at all. It's a very much Northern Ireland thing. The rest of the UK would be as in the dark about it as you are. It's our very own special kind of nonsense.
     
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  11. Sarah

    Sarah Super Moderator Staff Member Original Member Since 1998

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    Nope. And not all people in Northern Ireland are British - that's your first point to remember in keeping yourself right ;) There's an Irish population too. As @Alexis said, we don't even understand ourselves sometimes!
     

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