The Mainland”: When referring to England, Scotland and Wales. The only Catholics who refer to The Mainland live on Rathlin, or on a boat. “Fiddlesticks, I’ve forgotten my hat.”: Proper Protestants are notoriously crap at swearing, preferring to make up words like ‘Jumping Jehosaphat’ and ‘Sugarpuffs’ instead. This is bollocks, or balderdash if you’re a Protestant. “Our wee country”: You mean Occupied Six Counties surely. “Roman Catholic”: Only Protestants say this, as they say the word Catholic means all the churches. Catholics must insist that they are the only Catholics, as they know that the correct word for everyone else is a heretic. “I don’t like that new vicar, I think I’ll start going to the Presbyterians instead.”: Protestants are never done changing churches when they fall out with a clergyman or decide they don’t like some new rule. Catholics don’t have that option, even if the new Priest goes on and on about how much better his county is at Hurling. “The Queen”: You can only refer to “The Queen of England”, you can’t imply she’s Queen of here. “Fancy going for a wee drive and a poke this Sunday, darling?”: Protestants love ‘going for Sunday drives’, usually in search of ice-cream. However, according to rules set out in the Second Vatican Council, Catholics can only spend Sundays in the pub or at GAA matches – after Mass obviously. “There’s nothing I like better than a big sausage supper after work on a Friday.”: Fish suppers only on a Friday, to do otherwise is to risk eternal damnation and/or funny looks in the street. “Where’s the Twelfth this year?”: It’s at your caravan in Donegal, unless you live near a contentious route in which case you need to stay home to be offended. “Could you pick me up a Newsletter? I want to see who’s dead.”: Catholics can only buy The Irish News so if anyone’s dead they’ll be in there. The only exception is on a Saturday if you want to check the price of fat yos in The Farming Life section This does apply only to Northern Irish funny ways @Alexis And vice versa - ten Catholic things that no Protestant should ever say: So it seems the Orange Order has advised Protestants to avoid saying Rest in Peace on the grounds that it’s a Catholic thing and not Biblical. That got us to thinking what other things Catholics come out with that should be banned for Prods. Here’s 10 we came up with. “Jesus, Mary and Joseph”: A traditional Catholic expression of surprise, often followed by “would ye look at the arse on that?”. “Anyone up for a big game of Gaelic Football after Mass?”: Protestants should never say this. They should say “Anyone up for a big old game of proper football the day before that new pastor preaches in the gospel hall?” “The crisps in Dublin are far nicer than the ones at home”: Mr Free State Tayto is an immoral charlatan sent by Satan to draw children to his evil ways. “North of Ireland”: Protestants must only say Northern Ireland, which is different from the North of Ireland. They can also say Ulster, which is different from Northern Ireland but is the same as the North of Ireland. They definitely can’t say Occupied Six Counties. “Who fancies a pint this Sunday afternoon while we all watch some sort of sport?”: This is wrong on so many levels. “Derry”: Goes without saying so don’t say it, at least not in front of themuns. “I’m just heading out for a Sunday walk without my hat”: Going out for a walk on a Sunday is fine, but ladies must wear hats AT ALL TIMES. “Tea Cake”: Tea cakes and other such individually baked confectioneries are fundamentally unbiblical. Protestants should only eat tray-bakes, as these are in Matthew, Chapter 5, v 6, when our Lord fed 5000 people with a rake of Caramel Squares. “Holy Mary Mother of God would you ever turn that music down ye wee shite?”: This was once a common Catholic phrase used when speaking to teenage children. Increasingly it has been replaced with “Holy Mary and all the angels do you ever take those f**king earphones out?” “Haitch from Steps”: It’s Aitch, although to be honest we asked him once on Twitter and he never replied one way or the other.